The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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