Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
