So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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