omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
