You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
