if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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