No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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