We named our party play list daddy issues
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
