Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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