that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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