I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
