I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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