his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
