We're like a lot better than the average bears
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
