Barsexuality is the new black.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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