So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize