She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
