We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
