I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
