i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
