i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
