i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize