i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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