anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
