just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
