I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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