my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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