Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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