I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
