I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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