What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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