quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
