...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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