I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
