moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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