i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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