i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
