I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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