Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
