is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
