I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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