Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
