new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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