Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
