how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
