I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
