2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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