i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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