I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
