somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize