I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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