please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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