Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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