Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
