i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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