We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
pop tarts are not kleenex
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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