just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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