when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
